Boundary Breakdown

Setting and maintaining boundaries can seem like such a simple task, when in reality, boundaries are much more nuanced than they seem. Boundaries are invisible limits we create to protect our needs. Some people struggle with implementing these limits for themselves because they believe other people's needs matter more than their own. Some struggle with respecting the boundaries of others because they don't take the time to understand why boundaries are important, or they may think that they are entitled to overstep the boundaries of others. Before explaining how to utilize boundaries, it is important to understand the difference between explicit and implicit boundaries.

Explicit versus Implicit

People tend to think of boundaries in very explicit terms. For example, telling a partner that you are too upset to continue a conversation and need to take a break is an explicit boundary you are setting. This tells your partner that you are too emotionally flooded to have a productive conversation, and the boundary is that you will not be continuing the conversation until you have calmed down. The reason this is explicit is because you are communicating this boundary to another person.

Boundaries can also be implicit, meaning that they do not need to be communicated to others. These take the form of emotional boundaries that we set for ourselves. For example, if you tend to burn out at work because you overwork yourself, you may need to set an implicit boundary for yourself that you will stop working at the designated time that is expected of you. These implicit boundaries force you to examine the relationship you have with yourself. Are your boundaries too rigid or too flexible? Are there certain people/situations that you struggle more with boundaries than others? Why is that? It is important to be non-judgemental when we examine and process what is going on inside of us. It can be easy to start thinking "I shouldn't be doing this/living this way." "Why am I so...?" "I am such a bad person because I..." If you find yourself judging yourself, simply notice the thoughts and let them go. Maybe remind yourself that doing the work of bettering yourself is enough proof that you are a good person.

Types of Boundaries

1. Physical: Boundaries around your body: being touched, what you eat and drink, being active/inactive, your personal space, comments on your appearance

2. Emotional: Boundaries around your emotions: who/how much you are willing to reveal about how you are feeling, separating what you feel versus what you are picking up from others, when to take time to process and regulate your emotions

3. Time: Boundaries around how you spend your time: when to set aside time for yourself/self-care, when to say no to an opportunity to prioritize your time

4. Sexual: Boundaries around sexual consent: how/when to communicate consent and non-consent, how to communicate limits regarding sexual interests, how to communicate your needs around contraception

5. Intellectual

6. Intellectual: Boundaries around your thoughts and ideas: how to communicate effectively, especially when feel like our thoughts/ideas are being disrespected

7. Material: Boundaries around your physical belongings: what are you willing to share/give away, how do you expect others to treat your belongings

Setting and Maintaining

Setting boundaries is very different than maintaining them. The first step is understanding what your boundaries are and how to implement them. For example, if a co-worker always touches you when they laugh, you may have a boundary that you don't want them touching you. You may be able to communicate this to them non-verbally by moving away from them each time they do it. If you feel comfortable, you can communicate your boundary verbally by saying something like, "I don't really like to be touched at work. It makes me feel uncomfortable." When we communicate boundaries verbally, it is important not to shy away from it. If you struggle with setting boundaries, you may feel the need to end with an apology because it may feel awkward or like you are hurting that person's feelings. With practice, though, it is important to own your boundaries without shying away from them.

One aspect of the maintenance of boundaries is focusing on what you can control. We cannot control how other people react to our boundaries. The only thing we can control is ourselves and how we handle that. Take parenting for example. When setting boundaries with children, you have to continue reinforcing and reminding them of the boundary. It doesn't mean that the children are trying to overstep the boundary to irritate you, they are usually just in their own world and tend to forget. The same goes for adults. People are usually ego-centric, meaning they are focused primarily on themselves and what is happening in their lives. When we start setting boundaries with people, they may forget in the future, and that's ok. They are learning, just like you did. With these people, a gentle reminder each time is needed to maintain that boundary. And the key to maintenance is repetition. Try not to let your boundaries slide. If the before-mentioned co-worker touches your arm a few days later, simply move your arm away and say, "Remember, I don't like being touched."

Something that people fear about setting boundaries is an averse reaction from the person they are communicating them to. For example, if you want to set a boundary with a narcissistic person, chances are they will push back on the reasoning as to why you need it, get mad that you are putting your needs first, and simply disregard it. In these situations where you are afraid of how someone will react, you have to remind yourself why you are doing it. If it is important to you and your well-being, you have to be willing to fight for that. That isn't to say that you have to go to war every time you set a boundary. Actually, quite the opposite. It's important to regulate yourself (be in a calm state) when you decide to communicate your boundaries. This way, you won't be sucked into putting the other person's needs before your own. When you are regulated, you are able to think clearly and rationally and will be able to communicate that way as well. In regards to a negative reaction, you should have a consequence if the boundary is not respected. For example, if you don't like talking to your family about politics because it always ends in a fight, if your family continues to try to talk about those things, a consequence could be that you will leave the room. Consequences are ways we can still protect our peace, even when others won't.

Closing

Boundaries help relationships flourish because people are able to have their needs met and respected by others. It can be challenging and daunting to even begin to implement better boundaries in your life, but the smallest first steps can help propel you forward. Going forward try taking stock of where you feel taken advantage of or relationships that seem draining/lonely. There may be some issues with boundaries that you weren't aware of. Remind yourself that your needs are just as important as anyone else's, and only you can fight for that.